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_ entry 002
_ 21/11/2024
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_ today i dont feel anything. i dont feel especially sad. i thought i was happy this morning but now i dont know?
_ its tiring to live like this, jumping from one emotion to another, but still being a little numb anyway. its like, ''oh im sad ? oh im happy ? oh... i dont know actually''.
_ anyway this is not what i meant to write, i dont know why i went on this tangent. i should be happy today, and i guess i was for most of the day. its been snowing, which is very rare here now, and it snowed for most of the day so theres a bunch of snow everywhere... i hadnt seen snow in years, other that the few snowflakes here and there when it got cold enough during a little rain. it felt very exciting and very holiday-ish. a nice reminder that winter isnt just cold and sad and night at 5pm.
_ i guess im just not used to arguments. i mean not that we fought today, but my partner and i never really argue. we're both pretty chill and on the same wavelenghts, so we just talk about things before they have time to fester most times. but lately ive been more annoyed, it feels like he doesnt care or that im bothering him, even though i feel like im trying my best to do things and still keep him in mind and do my best to not bother. hes been in his own little bubble doing his thing, ordering his little packages that I have to either wait for all day or speed up any activity i have to do to attend to them, acting bothered when i need him to go somewhere with me, etc...
_ tonight he said hed get out of work early, so i asked him if we should go to the grocery store get some snacks and go out to see the snow at the park, thinking this would be a cute and chill moment to share together. see the snow and everything. and he didnt reply, i guess my message got lost among others in our conversation. then he said he was taking a couple of pictures around work (he carries his camera around, so no surprises there) so i waited. then he said he was at a mall getting hot chocolate, so i asked him when he thought hed get home, which he ignored again. (i was also pissed bc i want to have hot chocolate too....) then he was in a hurry about something, and somehow that was my problem, and by the time he fixed the thing and finally said he was hopping on the train home... 2 hours had passed.
_ for some reason, that really pissed me off, even if it feels unreasonable. he just said he didnt notice the message in the first place, and proposed we still went to the store, but by that time i hadnt eaten all day (hence the need for shopping), hed need another hour to get there between rush hour and snow, and i was pissed. so i just put a my big coat on, and went out on my own. i never usually do this, im very much a homebody ; the rare times i go out is with my partner. at first, i was just gonna get a few things at the store and go back home, but this time as i reached the street crossing to go there, i thought, ''im gonna go get those snacks, but first, im gonna go to the park''. so i went the other way and did just that. i had a little walk by myself for once, looking at the half melted snow on the sidewalk, at the little snowflakes falling in front of the lamp posts, at the people scrambling to get home. the park was covered in snow, with thick white sheets of it on the tree branches, it was nice. there were some children climbing a hill in there and getting down with their little slides. i just walked around and looked at the trees and the snow falling, listening to silent hill music on my own. it should have felt like a sad moment, but i was more numb than anything, so it was okay. i stopped and stood there for a while, looked at the snow falling. took a couple pictures to remember. and decided it was enough and to call it a day. so i just went back the same way and left to get shopping.
_ i had sent a picture of the snowy park to my partner ealier, and he infered where i was from there. he was almost home by then, and decided to walk there too, so i found him on the way back. we didnt see the snowy park together, just to the store ; but i dont care, because i saw it alone and it was nice. maybe its not a good thought to have, but i think i shouldnt care as much as i do. im putting too much attention and waiting for too much in return again. the reality is people dont care most times, and you're alone with yourself for the better part of it. even if my partner is very important in my life, and i'd baby him till the end if i could, i shouldnt. i should find things i want to do for myself and just do them, not wait to share them with someone else.
_ my social anxiety/withdrawal probably wont let me do that tho, i dont know. but i still think i should care less. OR i should care more, and be more pissed, so that things change... i dont know. i never do.
_ tonight i dont know if im sad, or happy, or anything. im eating soup that he prepared, with snacks that we bought together. maybe life isnt so bad. maybe i should stop thinking.
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_ entry 001
_ 12/11/2024
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_ cont. of my post on pagesroses bc it was going south lol
_ i try not to compare myself to others, but its hard not to. every artist knows this. but its also hard not to compare to your own past self, someone who was so much more productive and motivated and inspired... for a while, i used to think looking at my present art that i already peaked in the past. that it wouldnt get better than that. but you know what ? i can see the path ahead going up more now. i hope its another spike. i hope its my new peak. that'd be my biggest vengeance against this past self of mine i think...
_ what do they say about your cells getting fully replaced every 7 years or whatever ? like youre a whole new person technically and stuff ? i dont think thats accurate scientifically, but i sure fucking hope that by 2026 i'll finally be a completely different person LOL. maybe then i wont have to compare past and present so much, even though i try not to.
_ 5 years ago, i had to give up on the life i knew and start over. i made a clean cut with most of my old life, met someone new, put boundaries and walls between me and the past, and then covid happened. 5 years ago i felt like i died and got reborn, but then there was some limbo period due to the world going to shit, and i barely remember any of it. like the 2 or 3 first years of your life, kinda. sometimes it does feel like im a 5 year old child, lost in the world, missing so many things, expected to be a big adult but not understanding anything. but it gets better. and when i think about it, i already think i got better than my 19 year old self. which for some people is fucking obvious, but for me, its an achievement.
_ 7 years ago, i didn't think id even be alive to see my next birthday. and 5 years ago, i thought it was the end for real. but it wasnt, im still here. call it a curse or a punishment, but i dont feel too strongly about it anymore. i used to think i should have died then and there, to stop the pain at once ; now i live with the scar and look back at it once in a while, and think that life isnt so bad once the wound isnt gaped open. who knows, maybe this blood needed to be bled, to be purged of my body at once.
_ 7 weeks ago, i met with someone i used to know. someone i treated like family and would have done anything for, but chose to leave behind to preserve them. its like they grew up so much and didnt at the same time. theyre taller now, and their voice is deeper, but they are so broken its hard to think they could ever be okay. and for the first time in 5 years, i didnt feel sorry for them. i didnt feel guilty for leaving. i didnt feel compelled to throw my life away to save theirs. all i could think was ''im glad that i grew appart from them, and that they no longer are a part of my life''. its not their fault they became like this, it was just the logical outcome of the environment they grew up in. they didnt deserve to become like this. but nor do they deserve me to be their savior.
_ its selfish, maybe. i prefer to call it self preservation. you cant save everyone, and it took me 19 years to figure it out.
_ actually, you cant save *anyone*. youre just one person in a sea of people ; people who will hurt and ache and get hurt, people who will hurt themselves and beg to be saved, but will refuse to be. you'll hang onto them, claw at them and beg them to listen, but ultimately, there wont be change if change is not wanted.
_ i didnt want this change, but i had to force it anyway. i had to let the rage spill out of me and burn like a terrible fuel, and once the fire was over, pick up the ashes. throw them off a cliff. and finally, take a step in the opposite direction and never, ever, look back.
_ and now im 5 years old and stupid, and behind, and lost ; but im still doing better than my 19 year old self.
_ maybe this rebirth isnt so bad after all.