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_ entry 005
_ 14/03/2025
_ hiiii its me again!
_ it has once again been a while, sorry for not posting or updating much at all ;; ive kinda been having existential crisis after existential crisis since the begining of the year, and not really getting anything done in the process aaaand now its mid march. LOL
_ well first off, i just came back last week from another little vacation where i went back to see family for a few weeks, it was a nice break for my little brain. it feels like every time i go back, i heal a little of the damage that was done to our relationship, so thats pretty good. being there is quite chill and relaxing, even if it has its share of issues ; but surely working in the garden and building stuff and running after my cat is not one of them!! god i miss it already. living in the city and in the countryside is very different. everything is closer and better here, but it also all kinda sucks all the time ?? idk i dont want to get too much into detail because my brain is not up for that today, but what i mean to say is that i think im very much over with city life and would rather drive 30 minutes to get anything done if it means i can yell into the nearby forest whenever i want lmao
_ art wise i have both not been doing much and doing so much ? like commissions and normal art has been slow as fuck and i cant get anything done, the vn has also been on pause for a bit because im very unsure about it and need some time to recollect myself. BUT while i was at the family house my mom super kindly helped me to set up a little desk area in my room, got stuff to organise art supplies that i had burried somewhere at home, and brought me canvases i could paint on ! so i have been doing that most of my time there, just doodling and painting, mostly silly little cats and stuff. i also have been learning crochet and crochetting a bunch of useless things to train myself :D its very fun and a very cozy hobby, felt nice to craft something that doesnt have to be beautiful or have any value attached to it. overall just turned my brain off for a few weeks and just did whatever i felt like, and i felt like a whole ass different person. watched tv, drew cute cats, did puzzles, did crochet, painted, did gardening, barely played games, didnt scroll much, hung out outside with the cat... like, none of those are my normal activies lol. but it felt so good
_ at some point my mom had issues with her archive hard drive that has a bunch of pics from every year since forever on it, so we had to find a replacement and transfer everything over to the new one. thats when we dove into those old pictures, and i saw a bunch of memories that i forgot about, birthdays, family trips, people i havent seen in 10 to 15 years... it felt really nostalgic and also grounding in a way ? like the last few years have been a blur for numerous reasons, and im just now getting better and enjoying life, and here are a bunch of pictures from before that whole blur. it made me feel kind of happy. especially seeing old friends, even those who ended up hurting me in the end. i reconnected with a few of them over this, and even if the years have made their mark on the relationship, it still feels nice to see that i'm remembered even if i personally dont remember much
_ of course it kinda woke up some traumatic memories as well, because of course it did. but overall, it felt nice. that whole trip felt nice and dare i say, healing? i dont want to get sappy remembering it but i even wrote a letter to my mom where i finally told her a lot of the trauma that i went through, and said im sorry and that i love her. which, yeah, ive never done once in my life ?? so hum, healing i think ?? we are trying to fix generational trauma with this one LOL
_ since i came back ive mostly been catching up on monster hunter wilds (because of course i booked my trip while forgetting the release date of it, so it came out while i was away ;_;) and dissociating because my brain refuses to go back to my usual schedule, buuuut im hoping it comes back eventually... i havent really arted in a bit and im so late on commissions and game development, but also why is it a bad thing. i can just chill out whenever. its fine. like literally life is hell and we are all dying, i can just chill out if i feel like it
_ yknow what im gonna go back to monster hunter for a bit, we have monsties to bonk (especially since i had to start the game over for hum xbox reasons, but not gonna touch on that or im gonna get mad about it again and i dont want that!) anyway here are a bunch of pictures i took on my trip :D byebye kiss your kitties for me
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_ entry 004
_ 29/12/2024
_ back by unpopular demand : me :D
_ i had a little time off to see my family in the countryside and had a great time. i dont usually get along with them anymore, and am very happy to be far away most of the time, but ive been getting super sick of living in the city and some countryside time in the middle of buttfuck nowhere did me a lot of good. i love the calm and slow life, the quiet, the nature, the fresh air that doesnt smell like car exhaust pipe and chemicals... i used to hate it as a kid, and would yearn
_ travelling is so exhausting, every time it ruins my whole will to live and to go anywhere... even though i can technically work from anywhere as long as i have my ipad and some internet access, the whole "spending almost the entire day in transport and then in trains to get from point a to b" dethers me from going anywhere D: i should really go back soon, when the train ticket prices go down again after the holidays... sitting in front of the fireplace and chilling with my cat is really the best. i want to go back T_T
_ welp, im back home now. i just did an art summary with a cute template i found while browsing on my pc again (ooray ! i missed having my lil desk and puter time) and even if i had enough art to fill in for every month, it felt like i had less art than i remember doing to share? it felt like i was pretty consistent in drawing this year, with not too many downtime parts, but maybe there was more than i remember. idk time broskis. i can barely remember what i ate yesterday. also somehow there were also fewer comms than i remembered... maybe im just bad at counting i dont know!! but next year ill try to do more still! ... but its not next year yet, so i got a few days of peace left before jumping back in. i better use those up to chill. play some games and have some naps. have some snacks before i go on my soup-only diet plan that im gonna try doing to lose the weight i put on during the holiday meals and maybe some more T_T we'll see by new years if im still motivated enough to make it an actual resolution LOL
_ i think im still tired and my brain is all over the place bc of train and the whole going back home thing, so im gonna go chill and take a nap now (ノ= ⩊ = )ノ
_ also, here are a few pics of my idiot cat i took while i was there (middle one was taken by bf!) :
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_ entry 003
_ 27/11/2024
_ oof hi it has been a little bit :D
_ been struggling a little this past few days, but nothing a little cockroach-like behavior can't fix. it snowed a little here and that made me regain a little will to live but then it was 17c two days later in late november, so i am once again desperate about the state of the world yay! but anyway... ive been chipping away at my commissions and hoping to get them done before i go on christmas vacation! nothing fancy, i dont have the money for that kind of vacation, im just going accross the country to spend it with bf and my family. the more ive grown up the less ive gotten along with family, and also the less ive been seeing them (because ive moved further and further away over the years) so now when i see them they dont have time to be assholes LOL. so its pretty nice, spending christmas in the countryside in the middle of buttfuck nowhere in front of the fireplace... looking forward to it! well, if i can get there. theres gonna be strikes and stuff on trains and railways so im not 100% sure we'll be able to make it... buuuut if we dont, we should get fully refunded on our tickets that cost us an arm, so i guess that'd still be a win, right ?
_ so because of this ive been hunting for gifts and presents for christmas... my family is a little hard to get gifts for, because none of them really gush about any interests except being assholes and being mad about stuff. but i think ive managed okay so far. my mom and aunt are getting cat themed little stuff, my mom is getting one of those flower legos, my step dad is getting a dragon ball entry grade gunpla kit, and everyone is getting a bonus hot chocolate bomb. im pondering what to gift to my grandma (by far the most annoying one to gift things to) but i might just craft her a little art set for painting or something of the sort. she used to paint a little when i was a kind, and doesnt really do it anymore, so maybe that'd be a good idea... still have a few days to ponder that one mmmm
_ also, bf has been noticibly harder to get gifts for this year... since he has splurged a bunch on a new computer and overall just bought things he liked for himself instead of just saying he wanted them but never got them, now i dont have many options!!! ill probably get him a new keyboard and one pokemon figurine he liked at a store, but thats kinda not a lot so thats lame. he got me not one but TWO evangelion gunpla kits, so i feel compelled to get him something good you know ???? urgggh ill have to think and i dont like thinking!!!!
_ right now im procrastinating making breakfast despite being very hungry. also procrastinating getting ready to go outside to get some of the gifts at the store... oh, yeah, i could only get some of them before because i didnt have a credit card anymore LOL but that is now finally fixed, and so are most of my other bank troubles. im not gonna say much about it for privacy's sake, but that was a pain in my ass and im glad its been (mostly) dealt with lmao. now im finally free from cash only and/or having someone else pay for things hell wooo!
_ ok that post felt kind of useless but i just wanted to yap a little bit. now i should really get that breakfast going and put on something warm... uggggh i dont wanna go outside, but outside has little treats so mmmm maybe its not so bad
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_ entry 002
_ 12/11/2024
_ pretty tired as i write this, but ive been making a gallery page and uploading all the art ive been making since 2019 or so, and its been getting to me a little lol,,,, well theres been struggles with uploading all the art and organising it etc etc, but just the fact that im seeing all this art and fanart and commissions ive not *ever* made, but almost, it feels pretty weird. like theres so much and so little at the same time. but also, i made all this ? i spent thousands of hours of my life creating these and they're real ? bullshit
_ no but like, i always feel like days are passing by and all i ever do is draw, but also that i never get anything done and never have any new art, so actually seeing it all before my eyes is kind of daunting. there IS a lot. is there more than the amount i made before, as traditional art ? i dont know. i dont think itd be wise to get counting either LOL
_ before 2019, which is when i started going on twitter and doing commissions, i was mostly a traditional artist. at that time, i was in art school and was drawing digitally a bunch for that, but my primary medium for my own stuff was still my trusty old sketchbook... i would carry one everywhere and draw almost every day, anytime anywhere. hell, id go through one a year at LEAST. nowadays i still have one, out of habit really, and i dont ever touch it... it sits on a shelf next to my desk, mostly empty since march 2023. theres like 10 pages that have been used at most lol. i guess i just moved on from the kind of art i used to make? now i do bigger pieces with tons of layers etc, whereas before i would be constantly sketching instead. i did do "bigger" art as well, dont get me wrong, but it wouldnt take as much time as it does now... also, alcohol marker is pretty quick lol.
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_ entry 001
_ 06/11/2024
_ hello ?? is this thing on ???
_ jk i know its on. i am just testing things out and not sure what to say lol
_ well, what to say what to say ? i found out about neocities like 2 days ago and have been obsessed with the idea of it since, so i am committing to making one. even if its just for me to look at it and update it twice a year, it will still exist. im usually a believer of the whole "be careful of your digital footprint" thing and never post anything too personal on the internet, but fuck it. i'm tired of social media eating at our brains and of bots and ai. the internet is dead and someday so shall we be.
_ buuut this is supposed to be the good side of my journal/diary thing!! so im not gonna doompost or anything. im just gonna have fun with this and gradually add stuff to this place. god ive missed coding, ive never been good at it (in fact im very illiterate with it) but its always been very fun to me. i was partaking in roleplay forums as a teen and eventually had a few forums of my own that i'd customise and make themes for, so i did dabble in some light html and css for a while... it never lasted very long, but it was fun times. im kinda sad to see that its not as much of a trend anymore (at least in french spaces?), but at the same time, i dont think id be able to write like i used to when i was 14 LOL.
_ i really like the whole coding and heavy tech aesthetic, so im gonna use that here, but im not a programmer at all. well am i anything really ? im an artist first, but also a jack of all trades (and absolutely not a master of any of them). in fact id say im quite mediocre at a number of things i try doing. but at least i got the balls to try them and bullshit my way through, i suppose ? thats way better than staying in my corner and never trying anything new ever, and dying only knowing how to do the same things i did years ago. but yea thats also why im trying gamedev. as much as visual novel making is considered gamedev anyway... im still coding stuff after all but like, its the bottom of the barrel i guess. but it is fun to see things i make exist and work. its fun to see me still exist and work on things.
_ sometimes it's even fun to just exist.
_ hopefully it's still fun a long time from now, when this website is full of memories :3c